Monday, August 2, 2010

JESSE: Did I ever tell you how much I hated that book where they drop gold bars into R'lyeh? [1] 

ANDREW: Yeah! 

JESSE: I hated it so much. Thinking about it gives me the same itchy feeling I get when I listen to a Tori Amos song. 


JESSE: Well, she HAS been around. Musically speaking. 

ANDREW: That's true. She suckled a pig. [2] 

JESSE: Now, let's be fair. That pig had lost its mother. Why else would she do something like that? I mean, WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?? 

ANDREW: You're right. Any other reason would suggest that the living God is an insane abomination who created the world in His own perverse image. 

JESSE: Actually, that might explain a few things. Like that Liars album about witches that has a song on it called "There's Always Room on the Broom." A record company paid them to make that. Or Stephen King's Dreamcatcher. [3] 

ANDREW: Or Stephen King's Insomnia. I'm scared. [4] 

JESSE: Also, racism. 

ANDREW: Well, racism can be amusing in some cases. 

JESSE: Like when Lenny Kravitz can't get a cab in New York? [5] 


JESSE: He's a livin' joke. 

ANDREW: A perverse God would also explain Gordon Downie. I'm going to make a compilation of all the inane lines from their songs. 

JESSE: Is that the guy from Tragically Hip? 

ANDREW: Yep. He's the poor "man" 's Stipe. 

JESSE: Lol. Just lol. 


JESSE: In some ways, I think Michael Stipe set a bad precedent. His lyrics didn't make rational sense, but they were still brilliant; however, his success made a lot of people think they could just mutter some bullshit and be a songwriter. Like Bruce McColloch said, if people are going to mutter, they shouldn't be allowed to mutter bullshit. [6] 

ANDREW: They should mutter recipes and stock tips. 

JESSE: Or exclusively the phrase "Nobody tells a Navy man when he's had enough to drink, because only a Navy man KNOWS when he's had enough to drink!" [7] 


JESSE: "Rectum!? Damn near killed 'im!" [8] 

ANDREW: Oh, Bill. Where are you now? 

JESSE: At home. 

ANDREW: That is accurate. 

JESSE: Oh, you meant where's the guy who played Bill now. 

ANDREW: Who did you think I meant? 


ANDREW: Either way, your answer is still correct. 

JESSE: I wonder whatever happened to that happy-go-lucky surfer dude who played Ted. I hope he didn't get caught up in the Hollywood machine and start taking himself too seriously. 

ANDREW: I'm looking up the guy who played Bill. Apparently he hasn't done squat since his 1993 directorial debut Freaked

JESSE: I especially hope the guy who played Ted didn't star in a trilogy of films about digital Jesus at a cave rave. [9] 

ANDREW: That's the most concise and interesting possible summary of those movies. Wait, no, I'm wrong. The guy who played Bill recently appeared in something called Saul of the Mole Men. It's a weird cartoon on Adult Swim, apparently. But that's it. 

JESSE: That's still a more impressive career than Keanu's. 

ANDREW: You think so? 

JESSE: Well, the guy who played Bill DIDN'T star in Point Break, for one. 

ANDREW: True. 

JESSE: And he never tried to fake a British accent in a vampire film. [10] 


JESSE: Even more impressive is the fact that he never uttered the words "I know kung fu" in earnest. [11] 

ANDREW: To be fair, those words were true on many levels. 

JESSE: But I think his triumph was not trying to date Sandra Bullock through a time-traveling mailbox. All in all, I'd say he's a far superior actor. [12] 

ANDREW: I see your point. Especially in light of the above-mentioned Stargate: Mailbox. [13] 

JESSE: LOL! Ancient Egyptian aliens would have made that movie SO much better! 

ANDREW: Especially if they sneakily altered his mail in subtle ways. 

JESSE: "What? I've been selected for jury duty in BELGIUM??" 

ANDREW: Hahaha!! 

JESSE: That movie wasn't a romantic comedy. It was a drama. I hope you realize that. 

ANDREW: I never saw it. 

JESSE: I did. It was awful. I bet I could count the number of good romantic dramas involving time travel on one finger. With a  

standard deviation of +/- 5. 

ANDREW: Five fingers or five movies? 

JESSE: Both. Meaning that there might actually be a negative number of good romantic dramas involving time travel. 

ANDREW: I see. 

JESSE: Meaning that if anyone ever did make a good one, there still might not be any good ones. 

ANDREW: It was that bad, huh? 

JESSE: Yes it was. In fact, watching it gave me that same itchy feeling I get when I think about that book where they dropped gold bars into R'lyeh. 

1. I am referring to the book An Evil Guest, by Gene Wolf. The story is actually pretty interesting, but the dialogue is unbearable (it's written in the most annoying faux-noir style). The story also contains, for no acceptable reason, a sub-plot about an attempt to destroy the underwater city of R'lyeh, home of the sleeping squid god Cthulhu, by dropping gold bars into it one at a time. The idea is that the slowly-growing pile of gold will attract the attention of the U.S. military who will then destroy the sunken city with depth charges. Anyone who is passingly familiar with H. P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos will realize how completely ridiculous this idea is. Apart from the military's unsubstantiated interest in bars of gold, Cthulhu is an undead cosmic horror with the power to bring about the end of humanity just by dreaming about it. It's unlikely, to say the least, that He could be neutralized by depth charges. (Although, some would argue that, in light of the apparent tensile strength of His head as demonstrated in Lovecraft's own story "The Call of Cthulhu," this idea might not be so far-fetched after all. See Andrew's essay on the subject.) 

2. He is referring to a photo in the sleeve of Boys for Pele in which Tori Amos is, in fact, breastfeeding a pig. 

3. I haven't read the book, but I saw the movie. Lord, did I see the movie. I don't recommend subjecting yourself to either. Just read a review of it online. 

4. Surely one of King's worst. And the thing about a bad Stephen King book is that it's like three bad books by anyone else. 

5. I am referring to the song "Hey, Mr. Cab Driver." 

6. Bruce McColloch, from The Kids in the Hall, said this on his album Shame-Based Man

7. A line from a Richard Jenny bit about schizophrenics secretly talking to each other via telepathy. 

8. Cited as the most versatile punchline ever by Alex Winter, the guy who played Bill in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

9. I am referring to the infamously ridiculous scene in the Matrix trilogy where the freedom fighters have a slow-motion dance-off in their underground hideout. 

10. Bram Stoker's Dracula by Francis Ford Coppola. An excellent film, excluding certain performances by certain people who shall remain nameless, but both of whom also starred in A Scanner Darkly (also an excellent film if you don't pay close attention to the performances of these two people). 

11. Another reference to The Matrix

12. The time-traveling mailbox film was called The Lake House, and it's every bit as bad as it sounds. 

13. Stargate was a decent sci-fi flick about time travel (well, technically space travel) and aliens pretending to be Egyptian gods. It spawned numerous television spinoffs, including Stargate: SG-1, Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: Universe, and others.

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